“I wonder if things can happen too early or too late or if everything happens at exactly the right time. If so, how sad and beautiful.”
― Simon Van Booy, The Secret Lives of People in Love
You know how the awesome Fly on the Wall posts work by now. Today, 13 excellent bloggers invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around.
This is the real, the bizarre and the nutty as only we manage to step in it… Traces Of Nuts!
“Your daughter threw a light bulb at my skull!” Min shrieked at me.
K was denying such a thing occurred.
“I had a dot on my cornea!” Min continues.
I demanded to see her eye more closely.
“It was a Dot, like the candy, that hit her in the eye and I didn’t try to hit her skull with the light bulb. I was testing her agility to see if I wanted to pick her for dodge ball,” K states with such seriousness one might mistake her comedic genius.
Min slept on the couch for two nights after that.
“When you get mad, you have this Sparta voice that is just the scariest thing I think anyone will ever hear. Short of this side of hell, at least.”
All moms have that ability, I think.
Or apparently I am the only one who can conjure hellfire with my mere gaze and tap into all that is terrifying.
It is a gift.
I try to use it only on special occasions and when driving in L.A.
“If it is so bright that you can hardly stand to look at the color, I want it,” Kenzie states while shopping.
“No one can miss you in this,” I say picking up a green neon t-shirt that ended up going home with us.
“That’s the point. Like a beacon of awesome!”
I brake for squirrels.
Hello, my logo is squirrels. My other business logo is a squirrel. I collect them.
Then they fly from the sky and accost me!
I was driving down the road and could see squirrels on the telephone line up ahead. I slowed the truck down and watched them for a moment then glanced back down at the road.
Something falls from the sky and lands on the hood.
I screamed and almost crashed the truck. It was pitched off and into the lawn on the corner where the squirrel jumped up like someone was after him, disappearing into the backyard.
I did the only thing that was left to be done.
I cried about it.
The Stack of wine needs to visit me.
It’ll help me forget the aerial assault by squirrel.
He owns the hedge at the front of the house.
Need an opossum fix?
The story awaits you here.
The kids have a habit of texting me during the day… while in class.
I’ve given up squawking about it and text them back something that applies to whatever class they should be paying attention to. Min’s English teacher asked them to text one word to someone and use their response as a writing prompt.
Min texts: Ma!
I sent her the graphic above which sparked the most fabulous Bohemian Poe-strasity string of texts ever!
Min: Spare him his life from this poe-strasity. Easy come, easy Poe will you let him go.
Me: Bismillah! No! We will not let you Poe! — Let him Poe!
Min:No, no, no, no, no, no, Poe!
Oh Mama mia, Mama mia, Mama mia! Let me Poe!
Beelzebub has a Poe put aside for me!
for me! For Poeeeeeeeee!
Me: haha in my head it sounded like pee.
Min: Me too.
Me: You’re rad. Learn something!
Min: My stomach hurts. I need a taco.
Tacos, her automatic default food.
I must go play Zelda.
K is super private about certain things. I get it, doesn’t mean we don’t tease her anyway.
My parenting high point of the month…
K: You can go.
Me: If you’re sick, I’ll hang out.
K: How can you help me yack? Go now.
Me: Alright, text me if you vomit.
6 hours later at 3AM…
My phone beeps.
K: I got sick and now I’m going to bed. I’m fine.
Me: Feel Better *sends virtual hugs*
K: I’d be offended but I don’t want you right now either.
The stomach flu is do big deal until its your turn. Not sharing is caring.
The Handsome Prince sat down on the bed while reading a magazine and says to me, ” I need a sharp, a… um a pointy…” The ADD was finishing the article still while the brain was moving on.
When he looked up and started to ask me again for it, there I sat with a sewing needle in my hand.
“How did you know I needed a needle to get a sliver out of my hand? You freak me out sometimes,” He exclaimed like he has just discovered my psychic abilities.
Really, I only have so many things in my nightstand. Based off the contents of his drawers and the fact that he carries a utility knife already, the only sharp thing left was a sewing needle.
It is my job to take care of this man, intuition is just one of the necessary skills.
We own six exotic cats.
You don’t leave meat or dairy laying around. EVER.
Have you seen Gremlins? Pay attention to the rules.
The following was a full fledged freak out over a chunk of ham getting tossed into my bathroom trash can that cracked everyone up…
“Get your meat out of my trash! Get it! Pick it up! You know better than to go around flinging your meat about the house. Especially leaving it in MY trash can! No! What are you doing? You flushed a piece of meat down the toilet?! Are you insane?!
I received this reply: Isn’t that where it would end up anyway?
K: You know the song “zip a dee do dah”? It has been stuck in my head so long I might have to punch my self in the face to make it go away.
Min: Then let’s sing Spongebob!
All of the kids busted out the F is for friends song at full volume.
A much better alternative to self abuse. Although it was mentally torturing me by the 17th time they sang it.
They had been separated for a long time but I’m glad they could work things out.
They complete me… and my nutty.
Kenzie had the strangest dream and shared it with us… at dinner.
Kenz: I dreamed that there was a time traveling forest. You stroke the tree…
With that Min launched a spray of water across the table and choked.
Kenz (looking displeased): Maybe not stroke, more of a pet. (more giggles) Okay, you touch the tree. Touching the tree… and it takes you to where you want to go. In your mind. I mean, um… Min, you suck!
Min: I can’t help it! I envisioned everyone running around a field caressing trees while unicorns fart rainbows. It was funny!
Kenz: You do not get to touch my trees.
Luc: I’m totally going to hold a tree with you, Kenzie.
Little brother with the save!
They played enchanted forest sans Min for the rest of the night.
Handsome Prince: Whacha reading?
Me: About aardvarks.
HP (super serious voice): Are you concerned about the depletion of aardvarks? Don’t they mate well in captivity? Maybe the webcam thing hasn’t caught up in the aardvark world and perhaps what you should be looking into is a dating site for these mammals. We can’t have them going the way of the black rhino. Why were we talking about aardvarks?”
Me: I clicked on a cute picture, you aardvarked yourself the rest of the way totally on your own.
Hello, I own the largest dating site for aardvarks.
Somehow I don’t think that’s going to be my next occupation.
Me: No, it’s a Hawaiian dancer.
K: Wow I’m blind.
Me: The fact that your brain went to boxing Jesus is just…
K: The greatest thing to happen to today.
Me: You may be right.
Can we say laser corrective surgery in your future, weirdo?
Basically, the VHS player and I got very close while I tried not to share the strep throat.
84 Charing Cross Road, Private Benjamin, Bridget Jone’s Diary, City Slickers, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, Soap Dish, Matilda, Big Business, Crocodile Dundee, … and then the antibiotics kicked in before I turned into a total potato.
It is Pajama Thanksgiving/Hanukkah ’round here.
Depends on the day, who gets to wear the grouch.
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