Be Okay


“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” -Walter Anderson secret subject swap smokey

  You know how this Secret Subject Swap thing works by now, right? The ever amazing Baking In A Tornado, gets a secret subject topic from 12 brave bloggers and assigned them each a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts!

It’s Halloween and you literally get to become who or whatever you want. Who or what do you become? It was submitted by: 

black cat

The time for Halloween chatter is upon us!

Pumpkins, ghosts, pretty princesses, dashing knights, spiders, bobbing for apples, super heroes, treats, fun and spooky times. Movie marathons, popcorn, cider, swapping favorite candies, time spent with friends and family. The chance to be anything, magical and amazing for one evening.

What would you be if you could choose to be it for real?

Once upon a time I would have leaped at the chance to become a vampire and go about eradicating the world of vile sociopathic people that prey on others. Being a princess doesn’t sound half bad and there was a good stretch of time that I wished more than anything to be She-Ra but alas, I don’t look good in gold. Perhaps a mermaid for a nice long swim in the salty waters off the coast, Mad Madam Mim or a really good witch would be more my speed. None of those would really convey the feelings that Halloween leaves me with any longer though.

This year I want to become something that is so illusive it is hard to know when you see it.

Something so powerful and totally understated. Something that only those who are wise will appreciate and yet so horrific at the same time it is hard to stomach.

No one else will be the same thing as me because insanity is a singular sport.

This year I’m going to be okay.

Wow, such lofty goals, huh?

darkHalloween was my favorite holiday.

I loved scary movies, throwing an annual bash each year for the kids, making witch fingers, spider cookies and mummy dogs. Being the house that planned ahead ordering enough glow sticks for half the valley and put up elaborate decorations covering every part of our space. I sat for hours peeling grapes for “eyeballs”, making “body bits” punch, spraying color in kids hair, making costumes, setting up haunted houses and spinning spooky tales. All the kids in the neighborhood came to our house to make crafts and treats throughout the month. I was even known for enthusiastically attempting to kill the decorative spiders several times while they hung out. October was special.

We had a one in several million shot that we’d be able to get pregnant after cancer but I got cancer from trying to have a baby in the first place so we rolled the dice… and came up winners.

We found out that we were expecting a boy, that we named Sam and he was due to join the family on Halloween.

Everything was so freaking awesome.

Then his heart stopped beating, I nearly bled to death and everything changed.

He was going to be a frog prince for his first Halloween but instead I donated his costume and picked up his ashes. Then I went a little insane… of the sad spiral variety. A part of me died when they pulled him from my body, I’m not sure which part or parts that are broken exactly, or I would actively fix them. The world became scarier, I grew angrier, more protective and I turned into one giant gaping wound that cannot be stitched back up.

Losing Sam was the worst thing that The Handsome Prince and I had ever experienced. We scarcely knew how to handle it ourselves but our other kids, his four siblings were grieving too. It was bad. It was ugly. A couple of months past and everyone was better but me. I had finally given away all of his things except two items I tucked away but I still could hardly function. Then Halloween came and screwed me over, starting me back from square one down the grief stricken spiral. The Handsome Prince did what he always does when things get intense, he got quiet. We suffered together and grieved in totally different ways. We knew we’d make it through but it was a little terrifying to think about who we would be on the flip side.

after all

This year every cute little two year old Buzz Lightyear will not make me snivel. I will not toss a big bowl of crap last minute candy on my doorstep when there are light up flashing rings to be ordered early. This year I’m going to retrieve the decoration boxes after everyone is gone for the day and have a good cry so I can keep it together when we put it all up for the first time in a few years. I can’t host the party just yet but we’ll actually attend a festive party. I will not be the rain on the parade and we will have a blast. I’ll try really hard not to look at every toddler and picture what I think Sam would look like now. I will stick to the boundaries that I’ve set and not compromise them at the whim of anyone else’s convience because those boundaries are what keeps me alright. I wont be watching any scary movies because frankly, I’ve come to realize that the true horror comes too often in life to invite any extra on this crazy train. I will go to the elementary school costume parade on time and not try to purposely miss the pre-K portion of the program. I will stop secretly loathing pregnant people and newborns in adorable costumes. I might stop igniting baby shower invitations in our fire pit and stop swearing that the holiday cards containing fake perfection will join the shower invites in fiery hell. I will want to make foods that look disgusting with gross names and covered in slime, taste delicious. I will enthusiastically hit the pumpkin patch with our kids and not once will I let myself feel as hollow as the gourds in their hands anymore. We will accidentally plant  pumpkins somewhere in the yard after carving, like we’ve done every other year before he died.

If I fail at any of it, I’m going to be honest and we’ll get through it together.

a hopeful kind of sad

This year as all the others, I have to face my own sadness.

There is nothing good about any of it but I trained hard for this. Sometimes I’m hardly treading water and other days I could move mountains but I’m doing the work. It is my year. I’ve got this one nailed.

This year I’m going to be okay.

Not fabulous, not incredible, divine, interesting or even someone cool.

Next year if all goes well, I’ll shoot for fine or maybe take a leap towards great.

I didn’t say it was the best way but I’m going to rock the mediocre space until I can do better.

 I’m going to just to keep trying and learn to be okay with a date on the calendar that literally takes my breath away.

It is not okay but I will be.

While I run and get my fancy okay suit pressed for the big day, you’d better get to checking out the fabulous writers participating in Swap this month!                              Baking In A Tornado                                  The Momisodes       Moore Organized Mayhem                                     Crazy As Normal                   Searching for Sanity                         Home on Deranged                        Dawn’s Disaster                 The Insomniac’s Dream                    Outsmarted Mommy                 Black Sheep Mom                  Writer B is Me If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers


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  1. I think you picked something amazing to be. Nothing at all wrong with being okay. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages, the most recent one being the most painful. You be okay…..that’s the best thing you can be this year.

  2. I think you’re more than okay. I think you have a cape and don’t even know it. You are as brave, and strong, magical and amazing as any super hero, vampire, or mystical creature I could ever imagine. Your words leave my heart sad for you, yes, but mostly I’m in awe of you.

    Thank you for this brave, beautiful, heartfelt post.

  3. So heartbreaking and so hopeful at the same time. You are okay. And okay has never been so beautiful or perfect. 🙂

  4. I literally had to sit back and digest what you just handed me and stop crying before I could write this.

    Of all the things going through my head right now, the one I most want to say is that you are wrong. You actually are fabulous, incredible, divine, interesting AND someone cool. And I’m so sorry you had to suffer through this tragedy.

  5. This post took my breath away. I am so very sorry you had to go through such an awful tragedy. I think the costume you chose is perfect. Okay is perfect.

    • Erin on October 3, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    What a heart breaking story. I really hope you can be OK this year, when you’ve had a rough few years like that, OK is sometimes the best thing you can ask for.

  6. Oh, honey.

    It took me four tries to read this.

    I’m crying so hard.

    I had no idea you had gone through this. It’s rough, it’s awful, it’s the worst thing that you will ever go through, and you are strong, you are making it.

    I lost my son right before Christmas, the day he was to get his picture taken with Santa. I relate to your story so, so, so much. Your Halloween is my Christmas.

    So much love for you.

  7. I’m reading your post through tears, wishing I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. You are so incredibly brave. The fact that you get out of bed every morning shows that you have strength and determination. Being Okay is enough; it is a start and a big step. I absolutely love your line *It is not okay but I will be.* We can all apply that to some area of our lives, and I am going to do just that. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  8. Gentle hugs to all of you! One day at a time is what it takes. You’ve shared a special part of yourself with all of us. I am honored to meet you.
    Visiting from The Blog Strut, now following on Google+ and liked on facebook.

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