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Aunt Flo Oh No

If men could menstruate … clearly, menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event: Men would brag about how long and how much. … Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of such commercial brands as Paul Newman Tampons, Muhammad Ali’s Rope-a-Dope Pads, John Wayne Maxi Pads, and Joe Namath Jock Shields — “For Those Light Bachelor Days.”

-Gloria Steinem                          


AKA How NOT to educate your son. :)

Life offers us such an excellent education. Unfortunately when you are the youngest of 4 children and the only male in the house besides Dad, the education received in the home is often too sparkly and smeared in lip gloss. :)

We speak openly around here. We believe if a child is old enough to ask a question, they should receive an honest, yet age appropriate answer. We’re big on communication. As you can imagine with so many ladies communicating in the same house at the same time, it’s a loud education on a variety of topics ranging from climate change to who took her mascara.  Luc has developed a natural ability to filter out all this shrieking and nonsense that arrives with the teen years. He can pay no attention to any of it and focus instead on whatever he’s currently doing. It’s a special super power I believe. Oh but don’t worry, we manage to penetrate his defenses and ensure that he will not only be a fabulous husband one day but will have hours of things to say in therapy later on… we do this by accident but it’s always memorable when we do. :)

How he managed to so far avoid an education in “female issues” with all the girls squawking openly of their troubles, totally escapes me. He must have had his force field cranked up to high. ;)  We had all piled into Ol’ Betty White, my awesome yet gas guzzling dream Excursion- I heart Betty, to head out towards downtown Los Angeles. Living in the ‘Burbs of LA allows us to drive an hour in any direction and be some place really neat and different. I really appreciate the architecture of the old buildings in LA and how cream puff vintage block after block it appears. We love to look at all the graffiti, the sights, hold the smells but all the diversity to behold along as we drive along our adventures into the city. Any one know what this is?

Not my car antenna, Not the telephone pole. The taller tree looking thing on the Left…. any guesses?

These “rare” tree forms are slowly cropping up all over. Wait! Does that tree have funky metal things hatching out of it? Why, yes it does. No we haven’t created a way to to hatch metal birds that no longer poop on cars. If it could be done… trust me Los Angeles would totally do it! This is why you can can hear me now… Cell tower! Cell phoney peeps in charge: you are fooling no one but props for making it stick out in a wonky and funny way! We like to count the “cell trees” as we explore in our truck… we’re easily entertained. Yes, license plate poker, state plates games and ye ol’ pain in my arm “Slug Bug” all are fair game in our car.
As we went the kids got restless, I grabbed my Mary Poppins Purse. You know the kind that you really wouldn’t be shocked if a hat rack followed by elephant came from the depts of this thing. I went to the chiropractor because of neck/ back pain. He picked up my purse and then told me I was fired if I didn’t keep in under 2 lbs. :( But… But… Ouch… yeah, OK I’m feeling ya loud and clear. Can you hear me now? How ’bout now. I now have a second “car purse” with much of my purse arsenal is stashed, ready to get called into the game of the big girl purse and out to the front lines. I could almost perform surgery and then get you a lollipop afterward outta that thing. I like to feel prepared and capable of being self sufficient… it’s a quirk & I like it. I had put some extra treats in there for this such a time in mind. I passed the purse back to Luc so I could drive and instructed him to look for the suckers in there to pass out to the other members of the tribe.
That was my fatal mistake. Where the wheels came off the cart but we didn’t know it yet. OOPS!
“Uh, Mom… this isn’t a sucker.” He says sounding confused and holding something up.
I glanced in the rear view mirror. There my son sits waving a tampon in the air and inspecting how the heck this thing works and why. Not sure what was going to come out as I drove along the 5 Freeway but now I had to address this in a calm and informative way. I went to speak just as he realized that if I push this down… POP out flew the white cotton portion. The look of his face was priceless! Fascinated like I was holding out on him keeping such fun personal pre wrapped for his convenience, plastic and cotton pop guns! He leaned over to retrieve the cotton by the string, holding it up like a mouse by it’s tail. We were all laughing so hard, I thought I may have to pull over. Mini went the blunt route and spoke some info between fits of laughter, “That’s a tampon! Women use them with they have their period.” The mouse was released, as a look of horror replaced the fascinated one from seconds before. He realized he was still holding the wrapper and applicator so he chucked it at the nearest sister. One part laughing, one part embarrassed, one part horrified… he again dove into my purse looking for snacks.
His sisters began to razz him as only siblings are capable of doing. We encourage the kids to use anatomically correct words, instead of WhoHa or Ding Dong. They know when it is appropriate to let the V word fly… this was not exactly the right appropriate time. He was getting redder and redder until he located the lollipops and announced, ” You all stink! So I’m not sharing.” He clutched the bag like a fugitive fleeing from the law and desperate to hold onto his loot. This was serious… it was a show down! Only boy in the car squares off to defend his pride and manly men everywhere from this group of Ding Dong Heads driving him crazy. He had drawn a line. The old time western duel theme music playing in my noggin as he gave these girls the evilest of eyes that such a handsome little face could produce. I felt like tumbleweeds should be rolling through the scene… the remembered that we still had our tampon tumbleweed that the kids had batted about for the last few minutes. Mental Note: Of all things holy can I please remember to gather up these pieces and dispose of them ASAP.
Minutes passed and the chatter died down. Kids melted back into their i-Pods and resumed reading or looking out the window for some reason to slug their nearest unsuspecting sibling and have a legit reason for doing so. K tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something to him, he nodded and handed her a lollipop. Shortly there after, Kenz retrieved her lollipop from him and then Mini made amends for some gum. All was well again, everyone was square and our poor boy had an education that he might need some professional help to over come. ;)
A few days later Luc needed a large band-aid to cover his elbow. I was busy cooking dinner so I asked that he go into our bathroom and bring me the band-aid so we can fix him up. A few minutes later I yelled down the hall to see if he’d found them. He said yes but that he was having trouble. I went in to find him trying to band-aid his elbow with not a band-aid but an Always Ultra Thin Pad. I’ll give it to him, I did say LARGE band-aid and for all intents and purposes they both do the same things… sort of. I chucked and told him what was up. He hung his head and huffed, “Women are killing me!” His father consoled him later. “Don’t worry, when it gets bad we’ll find something we HAVE to do, out of town, far away for 4-7 days.” Luc smiles ear to ear, guy time is always the best and the Handsome Prince is the most fun. His further advice was, ” Suck it up and get used to it. When you love someone you’d do anything for them, including buying “things” we’d rather not. No big deal. Means you have a great lady in your life.” Well said my Prince, well said!
I went to the market to stock up on water bottles for a trip we were taking. When I’m picking up heavy things and someone offers to help me to the car, I am learning to say yes. I lost much muscle strength in the last several years which I am happy to report is slowly improving. However, I am learning to admit when I’m licked. When offered help, say a grateful and joyful yes, make life easier and bonus, sometimes you get to spend a few extra minutes with someone nice that may become your friend. Hey Misty! I look forward to seeing you! xo ;) I was grabbing 6 cases of water and a lot of ice. At check out I had a very nice guy help me to my car. As I open the back of the truck and telling him where I needed the water to go, out falls a few pieces of tampon applicator. We both laughed and I stammered to find the words to explain my freak show crazy. I followed his gaze into the back where I had the doors open. There laid strewn across the trunk was 6-8 tampons in pieces taken apart and tossed helter skelter… obviously my driving was getting in the way of my noticing that there was more than one mouse flying around in the house. OMG! WHY did I have so many in my purse? Obviously expecting Noah to come by in his ark. I smiled and said, “Can’t be too careful!” Poor guy was trying SO hard not to laugh.
I couldn’t take it anymore and almost doubled over in a laughing fit. I somehow got enough air to snort, ” I have kids. Sorry!”
He was laughing and assured me this was a gem but NOT the craziest thing he’s seen.
Kids: the cure for the ego. Just when you don’t expect it, they find a way to help you step in it. Then stand there and revel in the glory of watching you defend a truck full of tampon pieces.
How are you going to educate your young man in the ways of the woman?
Might I suggest you might NOT want to do it our way?
If you find yourself in a tampon lollipop position, a word of advice…
This is just a moment. Don’t WhoHa your way through it. It’s alright to make it memorable… just make sure that your insurance covers mental health as well first. ;)  Kids need answers but it’s such a weird place to be as a parent. Keep the lines open so they feel like they can talk and you wont regret it. Maybe not such a candid talk as ours but well, we’re just unique bluntly real and just a little nutty.
Saving for therapy!
Pop guns don’t come pre wrapped in my purse,
Meg xoxo

Need an ark? Get ready Flo is a comin’! ;)

 

 


 

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4 comments

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  1. Irish

    Oh this was great. Haha, I grew up in a house full all girls (6 of us) and dad was the only guy. I wondered what it would be like to have a brother…now I got a glimpse of how much torture it would have been for the guy….too funny.

    I love the humor behind this..it was hilarious.

    Irish
    Dedicated2life.com

  2. Roshni

    This is just amazing!! :D
    Hey, I finally got around to it! Check it out: http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2013/02/awards-and-apologies.html

  3. Molley Mills

    oh dear…. poor kid! “But oh so funny and he’ll grow up to be a very well adjusted young man. Nice work on the part of Your Prince too. Thanks for hooking up at the Hump DAy Hook Up

  4. jayne

    Haha!Loved the humor !To be prepared all the time is what i have always taught my lil girl,since she hated carrying around her period kit in that huge school bag of hers!She would always prefer visiting the nurse if she got her period at school.One day she stained bad,and that is when she realized the value of the kit,i gave her when she got her 1st periods.I had given her adira period panties that prevent staining in that kit.Now she has learned from experience and carries the kit all the time..You have a well written blog!Keep up the good work!

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